God brings you to it.......

I have inverted t-waves, I've had them for more than 20 years now. Every time I have to get a EKG the new Dr. flips out and sends me to a cardiologist, who then orders tests like caths, or stress tests, or orders me into the hospital because they assume I'm going to keel over at anytime. After the tests are finished, I'm told the same thing. "This is normal for you" "We found no problems" "yadda, yadda, yadda".

My youngest daughter has a fear of me leaving her alone. She asks questions like, you had me at 35, that's not too old is it? She hugs me all the time and asks me how I feel, and sometimes when I'm in my bedroom, she'll peek in at me, eyes widely searching for signs of life and asking, "Are you ok"? To which I answer, "yes dear, I'm fine". I must admit, I've had a lot of stress in my life, and then you see on TV how much havoc it can wreck on your entire body. In the last 2 months, I've had really fast palpitations, that sometimes keep me awake, and sometimes wake me up. I dismiss them to anxiety, because I even have stressful dreams. I know, I can't even escape in my sleep.

So I decided on Feb. 6th to make an appointment just to make sure I'm okay. So I go to the Dr. on Feb. 9th and tell how I've been feeling, palpitations, lightheaded, blood pressure is fine, but I get headaches sometimes......... once again, I get walking papers for blood work, cardiac stress test, halter monitor and on Feb 16th, I'm at the hospital. First they can't do the echo part of the test because of my bi-lateral mastectomy, resulting implants, no matter how they try, they can't get a good view of my heart. I so many times wish I didn't get the implants, but the two months after the initial surgery, I felt so flat, so not like a woman that I didn't go out until dark and then straight to the store or whatever and back home, that I agreed to small implants. Even this caused problems, because the first ones had scar tissue grow over them and I couldn't raise my arms, so I had to get them removed and scraped and put new implants in. That should have been my red flag. But if anyone has ever looked in the mirror after a mastectomy and seen their chest, sunk in with long stitches where your breast used to be....it's like a bad dream. I would just stare in the mirror and it was like I can't believe this is me. I mean thank God I'm alive, but my God look at me.

Well, after the blood work and tests I go back to my Dr. who then tells me my cholesterol is 118! My level has been over 240 for 20 years, I'm happy to hear this and she tells me, "I'm going to increase your statin because you need to be at 100 or less". Hell lady! I thought I did pretty good! And I don't even take the whole pill every morning, I cut it into 4 pieces and take 1/4 every morning and slowly but surely my cholesterol level has dropped enormously. The Dr. continues to tell me I want you to have a cardiac cath done, I haven't gotten your results back from the stress or the halter but I just want to be sure, when I get the results back I'll call you. For now you have an appointment for March 2nd with the specialist. All this happened on Monday the 23rd, on Tuesday, I get a frantic call from the office telling me my appointment is changed to the 26th because of the results of the halter monitor and if my symptoms change to go immediately to the ER. So I'm keeping this all inside because I don't want to freak out my daughter and I finally tell her the night before I go to the specialist. I just say they want me to see a specialist to be sure everything's okay. Needless to say she checked on me every half hour to see if I was ok. I did all I could to assure her, even though my mind was troubled.

I know what God can do and I know that I don't even have to tell Him what's wrong, He has it all under control and no matter what the outcome, it's His will being done. I won't lie, there has been some times in my life I have doubted Him, and asked why. I know that is wrong in so many ways, but I'm human, and I know He forgives me for that. He has bought me thru so much and I know He has more in store for me, I believe that with all my heart. So I trust.......

On the 26th I see the electrophysiologist, at least this specialist deals with my kind of problem directly, so I feel better. He comes in with all my records and tells me, today has really been a day, I've had to give some not so good results, but you are my respite, go home and enjoy your life. Tapping on the table he says, everyone's heart has a rhythm, a steady thump, thump and a certain percentage of people have a extra thump and you are in that group. He said, I see you dodged the bullet with cancer and now you've dodged it again. Go home, you don't need any more tests.

I cried, I praised God right there and just had to write this out, no matter if it's read or not. I just thank God for being God.

But for some reason, I can't get back out there. I keep to myself more than usual and I'm having a hard time shaking this feeling off. In time, I know it will get better.